Personal Post: Top 10 monsters in fiction I can’t take seriously Part 2

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Yep here we are with Part 2 of what might be my most controversial list in the history of this blog. So to reignite the fires of anger, here's the link to Part 1 of my list and off we go.

https://ondavidsbrain.blogspot.com/2018/10/personal-post-top-10-monsters-in.html

Alright here's where the real hurt starts.

#5 The Ganma from Kamen Rider Ghost

 Ghost was a botched mess of a show. While it did have a moderately good opening arc it just kept dragging on the whole 99 days to collect the 15 eyecons to resurrect Takeru arc. Not helped by the Ganma, the villain faction for the series. Not only did we have to wait until the V-Cinema to actually get any backstory for them but before hand their MO was inconsistent between the series and movies. In Movie War Genesis the main bad guy was the Da Vincci Ganma who apparently was the real Da Vincci who turned evil for some reason but its inconsistent with the Advanced Ganma in the main series. 

 Not to mention the designs for them is rather, economical. It’s basically just an advanced Ganma Grunt suit with some parka style alteration, a good inversion to Ghost and Specter’s parka ghosts. But then again maybe if they had a bit more of a budget to work with these issues could have been mediated, but I wonder how that could have been resolved eh?!

 Now I’m not expecting complex backstories for every monster faction in Kamen Rider but at least have a consistent one. But with how Ghost was handled we should be grateful that it turned out at least as coherent as it was.

#4 Christabella from the Silent Hill comics.

 In the big debate between which 90’s horror video game franchise is the best I’ll always take Silent Hill over Resident Evil any day of the week. That's even in lieu of the unholy bullshit heaped upon the series due to Konami being Konami. When you think of Silent Hill monsters you think of nightmares brought to life, abominations against god, man and everything decent brought forth by an otherworldly force to torment some schlub who just so happened to wander into the titular town. Each of these creatures are manifestations of the twisted and dark psyches of the visitors to the town as either a form of punishment, judgement or what have you. All we do know is that they’re unholy monsters that will not stop until you’re dead.

 What we don’t think of is an annoying demon girl who thinks that doing her worst impression of the Angry Video Game Nerd is being scary. What we have is Christabella, a reoccurring antagonist in the dreadful Silent Hill comics written by the late Scott Ciencin. Linkara just covered the very last Silent Hill comics written by him so he can give you a general view of his Silent Hill work, in short it’s not good. 

http://atopthefourthwall.com/silent-hill-hunger/

 Forgoing any of the themes of Silent Hill Christabella is an inconsistent little brat who is either a ghost of a girl who was killed by child molesters or is a shapeshifting demon. Either way she's an overly snarky, annoying, bratty waste of ink who is the complete antithesis of the spirit of Silent Hill. Whatever Scott was going for with this character and his version of the town we’ll never know; so what we’re left with is 11 issues of this stupid demon trying to do, something while dancing around the machinations of her sociopath sorcerer sister Lauren and the even more pointless and annoying not-villain Whately. Also, no she has no relation to the Christabella in the equally bad Silent Hill movie so there, I just saved you more time avoiding bad Silent Hill content. Now if only there was a way to get rid of those Pachinko machines.

#3 The Daleks from Dr Who

 No I’m not trolling with this one, I have absolutely no idea how anyone can take these Cycloptic trash cans seriously. Now I have very little exposure to Dr Who and the Daleks in particular. What little I’ve seen is from Nash’s reviews of classic Dr Who which includes such highlights as Daleks in Manhattan, Evolution of the Daleks, Revelation of the Daleks and the two Dr Who movies where the Daleks are portrayed as basically weaponized bumper cars. 

https://vimeo.com/radiodeadair

 Anyone who’s seen these episodes or those reviews can see why I can’t take these dumb things seriously. Yes I'm aware that these are apparently supposed to be Nazi allegories but if I wanted that I’d stick to the real deal as Alucard rips them to shreds thank you very much. Oh and I can’t really take these things seriously when I see what they really look like out of the weaponized bumper cars either. I don’t get a feeling of dread and terror I get a feeling of relief that there aren’t any Japanese High school girls nearby as well as annoyance that I don’t have an open grill, olive oil and lemon wedges. To reiterate I’m not a Dr Who fan and I don’t have a vendetta against the show I’m just calling it as I see it. And all I see is the oddest serving of Fried Calamai I’ve ever seen.

#2 Sparkly Pricks (Vampires from Twilight)

 Yeah yeah you all knew this was coming, like anyone who has a functioning brain cell I cannot take these glitter ghouls seriously. For the longest time Twilight has tainted the image of the Vampire from a blood sucking demon of the dark who turned his back on God and is cursed to stalk the night, feasting on the blood of innocents to survive to Sploosh material for a horny cougar. Yeah not exactly the best adaptation of the French classic Beauty and the Beast but hey if it makes money who cares? Though granted considering how convoluted the myth of the vampire is there’s plenty of depictions and routes for adaptation. Hell the only other thing in popular media that’s more disconnected from the source material are Ninjas. 

 But there has to be at least some standards. Not to mention these things were so influential they’ve tarnished the image of the vampire in popular culture. For those too young to remember Twilight was everywhere and of course everyone with merchandise, parodies and what have you. If you mentioned vampires you were automatically redirected to Twilight, all the classics, replaced with that tool from the fourth Harry Potter movie. Now werewolves didn’t get off so easily since they got dragged into this BS too but the vampires were the focus and thus got dragged through the mud the most. 

 Especially since the main focus was a boring plank of wood trying to save another plank of wood from getting killed every other second. Whether is was by her own doing, trying to boink a grown up Shark Boy or by being a manipulative psychopath he still wound up with one of the worst types of people you could hope to never come across. At the end of the day Twilight and its author was forgotten and for good reason. It’s a real shame that Toei did better with the concept of the Vampire in Kamen Rider Kiva (which I have no doubt was made that way to cash in on Twilight’s popularity like how they later copied Persona 5 with Lupinranger vs Patranger.) then Stephanie Mayer, just put a steak in this franchise, it’s done.

 Now for a list of honorable mentions.

The Robot Masters from Mega Man.

 I was going to put them on for the their non threatening appearances, weak powers, not being as intimidating as the Mavericks from Mega Man X and Dr wily being him. But then Mega Man 11 happened and the double gear system made that crop of Robots completely change my opinion of them, especially if Mega Man games following 11 keep up the Double Gear gimmick and make them just as hard to beat.

Monsters from Stephen King

 Now King has made some great work as well as hilarious so that’s why I cut him some slack this time. But still there’s plenty I could have chosen. Let’s see we have Tim Curry as a shapeshifting killer clown who likes to troll people, Bill Skarsgård as another shapeshifting killer clown who likes to do crazy dances, killer chocolate rum balls with chainsaw teeth who eat every second of time, killer corn, the Green Goblin’s face on a sentient truck, a modern day flowers for Algernon patient becoming Skynet, rejects from Cats, and to top it all off, Shit weasels.

Space Shogunate Jark Matter from Ucchu Sentai Kyuuranger

 Now I never finished Kyuuranger thus why this villain faction didn’t make it on the list. But from what I can tell it was just a random mishmash of aliens lead by a dumbass immortal who got beaten by a group of dumbasses lead by the worst Red Ranger in Sentai to date.

Majin Buu from Dragonball

 He’s a giant pink man child who turns people into candy with it’s antenna thing that quite frankly should be censored. He did get more dangerous when he regressed back to Kid Buu but the big pink bubble gum Jinn is still around and you can tell that Toriyama wanted to end Dragonball Z with Cell because it really does show here. But now all that leaves us is my #1 pick.

#1 Any monster by M. Night Shyamalan

 Yes of all the monsters I’ve gone over are debatable and up to everyone’s own personal standards. What’s scary for some people might be silly for others that’s totally understandable. But for the life of me I cannot think of anyone who was truly scarred of any of the monsters created by M Night Shyamalan. From the dumbass Aliens from Signs, the killer tree farts from the Happening to the, whatever it was in Lady in the water, the dumbest depiction of the lord of lies in Devil to the monsters from After Earth who were killed by a guy named Cypher Raige. Whenever Shyamalan tries to go off the beaten path he just winds up going off the rails. 

 I’ll tell you how they’re just so dumb in their own unique ways going in the order I just listed. In Signs it turns out the aliens are weak to wood and water is like acid to them. So why in the name of Jesus Paint huffing Christ did they try to invade a planet that is mostly wood and water?! Also focusing on Mel Gibson and his farm instead of major government capitals? You know you’re dumb when the aliens from Mars attacks are doing more logical military moves then you. 

 On to the trees from the Happening, apparently they can somehow make people decide to kill themselves in over the top fashion because of, reasons that make Birdemic look like a nature documentary. I mean at least Bridemic give a cause for their stupidity, this is just because the plot said so! Also Devil taught us that if you drop a piece of toast and it lands Jellyside down, you’re under the light of the Morningstar, uh huh. The lore behind the whatever they are in Lady in the Water is so convoluted and ridiculous it only could have come from the mouth of sheer, unfiltered, Kishin grade madness. As for the monsters that can only hunt by a person’s fear in After Earth, they were killed by a guy named Cypher Raige, need I say more?!

 I know that Shyamalan has been making a come back with the Visit, Split and the soon to be released Glass but we can never forget the many, many time we took a look at his body of work and just asked “what was this guy on?!” So that’s it for the top 10 monsters in in fiction that I can’t take seriously. Any thing I overlooked, got wrong or just didn’t get? Then leave a comment as we wait for next time where we cover my personal list of villains of the MCU to cap off the 10 year anniversary.

Special thanks to my Patreon backer Jesse for his support.

Kamen Rider is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Silent Hill is owned by Konami Computer Entertainment #FucKonami
Doctor Who is Owned by BBC, Sydney Newman, C.E. Webber and Donald Wilson.
Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer
Megaman is owned by Capcom.
Super Sentai is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Dragon Ball, Dragonball Z, Dragonball GT and Dragonball Super is owned by Funnimation, Toei animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama.

Manga Review: Madoka Magica The Different story Volume 2 Part 1: Better friends with blackjack and hookers!

When you're done read, comment, spread the links, re-tweet and follow me on Twitter @OnDavidsBrain!, support me on Patreon and watch my Twitch Channel Every Saturday at 12:00 ET

Follow this link for what happened in the first volume. Volume 2's inside cover gives us Mami sleeping with Kyubey on her couch. If only she knew what horror she was stroking she wouldn't be that damn happy I tell you what, but considering he's basically the only companion she has, well take what you can get I guess. We open on Sayaka taking on a royal bug witch who's obviously too fast for her. She gets some back up from Mami, and emotional support from Madoka. The two work together and take the witch out with the most handicapped game of whack a mole ever and get a grief seed. 

 On their way back Homura confronts the trio. She says that with Sayaka backing Mami up the two would be more then a match for any witch that crossed them yet she insists on increasing their numbers. Mami asks why she's so insistent on preventing Madoka from becoming a magical girl, theorizing it's either so she doesn't inconvenience her or so that she can get Madoka for her own purposes. Mami says that Kyubey told her of Homuras alliance with Kyoko and that if the two are planning on taking their territory then she'll hold nothing back. Homura just walks off without a word. Mami then recounts about how she met Sayaka and Madoka, basically how it went in the anime except for one detail, after Kyubey told the two of their potential Sayaka contracted much sooner then in the anime and as explained later in this story that's why Mami's still alive. During the fight with the Sweets witch Sayaka was able to back Mami up and save her from, well...... 

"You ok lady?"

 Back at Mami's place Madoka asks if in order to protect themselves they have to give up on the other Magical girls. Mami shares her sentiment saying that she wishes they didn't have to deal with rivalries. Madoka brings up Homura and says that she doesn't have malicious intent, Mami agrees but says that because Homura doesn't explain why she pursues them she can't in good conscious include her in their group. She says that she's responsible for protecting Madoka and Sayaka and if she brings in someone untrustworthy and things go pear shaped all three could be killed. She's definitely not wrong, in a unit everyone has to know they have their backs, so there's no secrets. 

 Ok maybe not to that extent but you get the idea. Sayaka chirps in saying that she'd never work with someone who has an attitude like Homura. She then brings up Kyoko, and how she outright despises her with her leaving familiars to go kill people, trying to kill her, insulting her wish and having an even more abrasive attitude then Homura. Sounds like they'd make the best couple eh? >:/ 

 Yeah slight fanboy tangent here sorry but Kyosaya never made any sense to me I mean who would honestly fall for someone who insults their reasons for fighting (flimsy and half thought out though it may be) tries to kill them, is a complete anathema to their code of protecting people and lest we forget offers to pull an Annie Welkes from Misery on your childhood friend? At least with Harley Quinn and the Joker he didn't try to kill her when they first met, he put on an act that made her think that he trusted her with his dark past and that she was the only one who can understand him, and when she bought the act that's when he started to draw her to his way of thinking and drove her to become what she is, and at least Harley manages to get some payback on her pudden. Now to be fair those are my reasons for the versions of Kyoko and Sayaka in both this story and the original anime. Now if a plausible reason occurs between those two in the Wraith Arc to justify the shipping I'll be perfectly content, but as of now those two look like they get along as well as politicians and common sense.

 Back to the recap, Sayaka apologizes for ruining the mood with her tone and after some scenes of lighthearted banter about hunting witches, homework and highlighting how much pressure Mami puts on herself she asks Kyubey what he knows about Homura and Kyoko's alliance. All he says is that he can't tell without compromising his neutral position. 

 Later after killing the box witch Mami and Madoka find Hitomi unconscious obviously under the influence of the witches kiss. Kyoko shows up mockingly asking where Sayaka is and if she already got sick of Mami. Mami says that unlike Kyoko; Sayaka isn't the type to stab people in the back; oh catty. She then goes on to say that she's been hearing rumors about Kyoko and none of them good. Kyoko asks if Mami's gonna do something about it, but she says not in front of Madoka. 

 Kyoko rightfully calls her out by pointing out that she's keeping out the girl who she's been bringing along on her Witch hunts. Mami points out Madoka's potential and feels she should at least get a demo of what its like to be a magical girl so she doesn't make a half cocked wish. Kyoko is shocked by this and tells Madoka that if she makes a worthless wish like Sayaka then she'll kill her without hesitation. Madoka then tells Kyoko that Sayaka's wish isn't worthless, who responds by saying that Mami doesn't give a rats ass about them and just wants the extra power; at that point Mami's had enough and warns Kyoko not to antagonize Madoka or Sayaka again. After the two walk off Kyoko vents to Homura.

 Back with Mami and Madoka, Madoka asks about Mami's history with Kyoko, Mami says it isn't important and tells her that ones reason for becoming a magical girl is theirs and theirs alone. Madoka tells her that she realized after Sayaka made her wish that she can't just be frivolous, but that she has to think long and hard before taking on such a burden. 

 The next day Hitomi comes to school as usual with Madoka and Sayaka though Sayaka seems distant, and when Madoka mentioned that Hitomi was attacked by a witch Sayaka gets a shocked look on her face. Later Mami and Sayaka are fighting a bee witch and are outnumbered by the constant swarm of familiars on top of Sayaka seeming out of it. Mami is about to finish off the witch when suddenly the labyrinth starts to change shape. Mami realizes that there's another witch inside of the labyrinth and tries to warn Sayaka but she blue screens. The chapter ends with Mami knocking Sayaka out of the way of the second witches attack and taking the blow.

Chomp!!!

 Part 6 opens with Mami barely managing to escape from the new witch. Sayaka prepares to face the two witches alone when Homura stops time and plants her bombs which stops the witches and then asks Sayaka what she'll do next; abandon Mami or abandon the witch. Sayaka is about to argue with her when Kyoko tells her to stop being a dumbass and save Mami. Sayaka remembers what Kyubey said when she made her contract, that since her wish was to heal someone her healing magic is far greater then normal. So she uses it to save Mami just in time.

 She recovers and regains consciousness just in time to see Sayaka healing her while Kyoko and Homura kill the witches. Once the barrier dissipates Kyoko reads Sayaka the riot act for holding back and spacing out during the fight; Sayaka screams that she knows that and doesn't need to hear it from her. Kyoko and Homura take their leave while Sayaka sees that Mami is alive. Mami apologizes for slowing Sayaka down and Sayaka cries saying that she's glad Mami is alive and says that it was all her fault.

 The next day Mami meets with Kyoko back at their old meeting spot. The two start to have a civil conversation which eventually leads to Mami asking if Kyoko is determined to never team up with her again. She starts to complement Kyoko on how much stronger she's gotten since last time but does the stupid thing and says that it's almost as if she's trying to make up for her lost powers.

 Well David her prize is getting yelled at by Kyoko who asks what the point would be if she did tell her. She says that what Mami would have done was give her, her useless powerless teammate Grief Seeds without so much as a nasty thought or second look and that part of Mami pisses her off the most, putting everyone else before herself and not even admitting that she needs help just as much as everyone else does, pretending that nothing's wrong when really she's dying inside. But of course Kyoko doesn't mention that last part but instead decides to trash talk her and Sayaka's teamwork. 

 Which then leads to Kyoko asking what she really wants to know, why the hell did Mami let Sayaka make a contract? She knew fully well what she'd wish for and they both know what happens to those who wish on the behalf of others. Kyoko says that she hopes Sayaka betrays Mami like she did and at that point Mami has had enough and storms off telling Kyoko to go back to her territory.

 Bravo miss relationship counselor, if what you were going for was "try to patch things up with Mami" you couldn't have missed more then if you had Ray Charles as your pitching coach.

 We then cut to class where we see Sayaka where she thanks Homura for saving Mami and Madoka, but Madoka notices Sayaka looking away when she sees Hitomi and Kyosuke together so later that night she calls Mami with her concerns. She agrees to help Sayaka and when she hangs up she promises to herself to never let history repeat itself. Elsewhere Sayaka runs into Kyoko again who tells her that she'll never become what Mami is, she dragging her down and to try to find her own way instead of that of a hero. Sayaka agrees and says that she just drags Mami down. Sayaka also says that she learned about Kyoko and Mami's relationship. She goes on to say that in terms of fighting capability Kyoko is the perfect match for Mami.

You know Kyoko maybe Mami was onto something about your diet, if you were eating properly you'd get enough nutrients to get a clue!

 We end this chapter the next day with Sayaka calling Mami to the roof to tell her that they should stop being partners. Why you may be asking? Because when Hitomi was under the witches kiss, Sayaka knew fully well what was happening and did nothing to save Hitomi. Yeah, yeah Sayaka that call was bad and you should feel bad. We'll finish up volume two next time were we see more of Sayaka's self destruction and how badly Mami'll take it.

Madoka Magica The Different Story is owned by Magica Quartet, Masaki Hiramatsu, Hanokage and Yen Press.

Venture Brothers is owned by Adult Swim, Williams Street, AstroBase GO!, World Leaders Entertainment, Noodlesoup Productions and Titmouse inc.

Doctor Who is Owned by BBC, Sydney Newman, C.E. Webber and Donald Wilson.

Liar Liar (1997) is owned by Tom Shadyac, Brain Grazer, Imagine Entertainment and Universal Pictures.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Joel Hodgson,  Best Brains, Syfy, Comedy Central and Shout Factory.