Personal Post: Top 10 monsters in fiction I can’t take seriously Part 1

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 Yep ghosts and ghouls it’s that time of the year again for monster malarkey. Last year I talked about some of my favorite monsters, from their designs to the personalities and backstories I just loved most of them. Now this year is where I go the polar opposite, and let me tell you this is going to be the hardest list. Mostly due to me not really encountering a whole lot of monsters that really bore me or I honestly just point and laugh at. Like last year, one monster per franchise, have to have actually seen them and state why I find them so hard to take seriously.

#10 Chucky from Childs Play

 I believe that everyone is familiar with the possessed toy idea. It’s a good one when done right but in the case of Charles Lee Ray it tends to vary depending on what movie he’s in. Charles is a serial killer who just so happens to be a practitioner of Voodoo (not real voodoo but just roll with it.) One night he gets shot by a cop and his only chance of survival is to transfer his soul into a nearby doll. But he wants a real body so throughout the series he plans to transfer his soul into a new human body so he can resume his spree.

 The first movie was just fine but as it went on things just got more and more ridiculous to the point where you can’t take him seriously at all. I mean when you show up on WWE, you know any real credibility is flushed down the crapper. I believe that everyone that hasn’t checked out of this franchise with Bride of Chucky, they would have with Seed of Chucky. Some horror franchises have the potential to last a long time. But for Chucky the killer doll I believe that once was more then enough, so yes I did just fuck with the chuck and what’s he gonna do about it?

Yeah that's what I thought.

#9 Necron from FF9

 For those who don’t know I’m not the biggest fan of Final Fantasy. I’ve played a few of them and they’re just not for me. But the one I can definitely claim to be my favorite is undoubtedly Final Fantasy 9. With the technical innovation of the PS1 era engine combined with a classic, uncomplicated story, fantastical setting, likable characters and solid (but too easy and some what BS; looking at you Trance system) combat system it’s an underrated classic of the series. However the final boss, for me is the crack in the otherwise finely crafted gem of a game. 

 So far the major villain is Kuja, the fabulous homunculus who has been trying to destroy both the worlds of Terra and Gaia in an act of spiteful and mad vengeance against the wishes of his creator Garland. Zidane and his party manage to reach him and defeat him but it’s not the end. Suddenly this flying blue monster comes right out of nowhere and is all like “hey I’m the final boss now, deal with it!” We have absolutely no idea where this guy came from, what his motivations are, nothing is established about him or what he’s even here for. It’s like he just came in from a completely different game just to mess up this one. 

 Say what you will about Yu Yevon from FF 10 in terms of being a final boss and believe me there's a lot to say how much of a horrible final boss it is. But at least Yu Yevon was established and has actual relevance to the story of FF 10. Necron on the other hand literally comes out of nowhere. It’s not enough to ruin FF9 for be but Necron was basically the final boss version of a big lipped alligator moment.

#8 Dream Eaters from Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance

 Yet another enemy type for Kingdom Hearts that aren’t Heartless because the design, Nomura and plot said so. Say what you will about the Nobodies and the Unversed but at least they had plot relevance to their games. The Nobodies are the leftover Body and Soul left behind when strong person’s heart becomes a Heartless and the Unversed are the manifestation of Vanitas’ negative emotions (for the most part, looking at you Symphony Master, Cursed Coach and Spirit of the Magic Mirror.) But the Dream Eaters only serve as party members and enemies for Sora and Riku to respectively party with and fight during their mark of mastery exam in the dream worlds. Apparently they’re just the manifestations of Darkness in the sleeping worlds since they’re cut off from all outside channels, apparently not even the Heartless can get into them, ignoring that we encounter Ansem, Xemnas and Xigbar during our time there but whatever.

 I mean yeah the Spirit Dream Eaters are necessary to party with and unlock new abilities. But aside from that and being cute little battle brothers they’re just a gimmick to take advantage of the 3DS and PS4’s touch screen controls and that’s about it. Plot wise the Nightmares don’t even do anything different that couldn’t have been filled by a Heartless. Let’s see, the Heartless were gathering hearts to create Kingdom Hearts for Xehanort’s incarnations, the Nobodies serve Organization XIII to gain hearts of their own and the Unversed were used by Vanitas to lure Ven, Terra and Aqua away, make Terra and Ven stronger for their eventual parts in Xehanort’s plan and are extensions of Vanitas himself. The Dream Eaters have nothing in terms of plot relevancy, just glorified Pokémon knockoffs and that’s it, sorry little dudes you're cute and all, but that's about it see you in Kingdom Hearts 3.

#7 The Mummy (2017)

 These days cinematic universes are the big gimmick that Hollywood wants to cash in on. Aside from the MCU that took several years of planing, preparation and let’s face it prayer before they got Iron Man out the door, everyone else who tried this formula rushed it out the door or assigned the absolute wrong person to set the tone for their universes and the results were complete disasters. The Mummy was the result of the former instead of the latter. Universal tried to revive the original cinematic universe with the classic movie monsters. Their first and last attempt was a second reboot of the Mummy and you know it's a bad movie when I can take the series with The Rock as a CGI scorpion monster more seriously.

 Now say what you will about the Brendan Fraser series but it seemed to be more focused on being an action movie and doing its own thing instead of trying to reinvent the wheel. 2017 Mummy was them trying to reinvent the wheel and they wound up with a triangle. Nothing about this Mummy makes sense, from her origin, her powers, her weaknesses, motivation nothing adds up, if you try to apply the mythological inspiration or either of the previous movie incarnations, nothing adds up either. It honestly feels like they lost the original plot and instead decided to make an even worse version of Enchantress from Suicide Squad. Universals shareholders were promised their own MCU and the result was Tom Cruse with ambiguous superpowers and a zombie best buddy, enough said.

#6 Harvest #3 from DC Comics

 What a horrible waste of a good character design. I wasn’t reading Teen Titans during their New 52 iteration but thanks to Linkara’s massive review of the Crossover event “The Culling” we were all introduced to the dumbass known only as Harvest. While he did have a good look his actions and backstory are what landed this idiot on the list. Apparently he was a Colonel from the future who fought in a war against Metahumans. So he decided to go back in time to eliminate Metahumans, he decided to do this by kidnapping superpowered Teenagers, have them fight to the death and recruit the winners to his team.

 Now this is stupid for many reasons, the most pertinent of which is that why would anyone agree to work with this idiot? See when Blackbeard from One Piece did this with the Level 6 Impel Down prisoners, he wanted the strongest of the worst criminals in the world to join his crew and help him takedown Whitebeard. They were all criminals with life sentences doomed to be erased from history due to their crimes and were just as sick and depraved as he is so it makes sense why the prisoners would want to join him, not so for Teenagers who were kidnapped, forced to live in hellish conditions where they had to fight to the death for the recruiting process of the dumbass who put them there in the first place! Also when the heroes eventually fought him he kept rambling on about how he was actually a good guy for doing all of this. Which was elaborated after the Culling, too little too late, but don’t worry apparently even when his entire operation was falling apart around him is was all according to cake. 

 Even with all of the events that he couldn’t have possibly accounted for, had future knowledge or was even there for it was all part of his master plan. See when Master Xehanort did this schtick he only did it relatively sparingly and you could see how he could have planed everything out in his favor, but when Harvest does it he doesn’t come off as this grand Machiavellian schemer, he just seems like a dumbass over his head playing spin doctor! Also saving the future by kidnapping and torturing teenagers, now does that sound like a hero to you? If not then I just have one question.

 Thankfully Harvest and his nonsense seems to have been jettisoned along with everything else from the New 52 when DC Rebirth happened, good. Yeah this is starting to drag on a bit again and we have four weeks this month on top of Halloween day so I've decided to split this into two parts again. Sorry but I feel that I shouldn't drag this article out longer then it needs to. Plus I have some choices that I feel need some reconsidering and more thought. Besides I know that some of the choices that I will be making are going to have people after my blood for various reasons so I need to make some preparation for the nuclear fallout some of my top choices will bring me.

Special thanks to my Patreon backer Jesse for his support.

Childs Play is owned by United Artists, MGM/UA Communications Co
Final Fantasy 9 is owned by Square, Hironobu Sakaguchi and Hiroyuki Ito.
Nostalgia Critic is owned by Doug Walker and Channel Awesome.

Kingdom Hearts is owned by Square Enix, Disney Interactive Studios, Tetsuya Nomura, and Shinji Hashimoto.
The Mummy (2017) is owned by Universal Pictures, Perfect World Pictures, K/O Paper Products and Sean Daniel Company
Harvest is owned by Scott Lobdell and Brett Booth

Dragon Ball, Dragonball Z, Dragonball GT and Dragonball Super is owned by Funnimation, Toei animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama.

Dragon ball Z abridged is owned by Team Four Star.

Yugioh is owned by Konami, Kazuki Takahashi, Toei Animation, Shonen Jump and Viz Media. (#FucKonami)

Yugioh Abridged is owned by Little Kuriboh (Martin Piers Billany)