Yep here we are with Part 2 of what might be my most controversial list in the history of this blog. So to reignite the fires of anger, here's the link to Part 1 of my list and off we go.
https://ondavidsbrain.blogspot.com/2018/10/personal-post-top-10-monsters-in.html
Alright here's where the real hurt starts.
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| #5 The Ganma from Kamen Rider Ghost |
Not to mention the designs for them is rather, economical. It’s basically just an advanced Ganma Grunt suit with some parka style alteration, a good inversion to Ghost and Specter’s parka ghosts. But then again maybe if they had a bit more of a budget to work with these issues could have been mediated, but I wonder how that could have been resolved eh?!
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| #4 Christabella from the Silent Hill comics. |
What we don’t think of is an annoying demon girl who thinks that doing her worst impression of the Angry Video Game Nerd is being scary. What we have is Christabella, a reoccurring antagonist in the dreadful Silent Hill comics written by the late Scott Ciencin. Linkara just covered the very last Silent Hill comics written by him so he can give you a general view of his Silent Hill work, in short it’s not good.
Forgoing any of the themes of Silent Hill Christabella is an inconsistent little brat who is either a ghost of a girl who was killed by child molesters or is a shapeshifting demon. Either way she's an overly snarky, annoying, bratty waste of ink who is the complete antithesis of the spirit of Silent Hill. Whatever Scott was going for with this character and his version of the town we’ll never know; so what we’re left with is 11 issues of this stupid demon trying to do, something while dancing around the machinations of her sociopath sorcerer sister Lauren and the even more pointless and annoying not-villain Whately. Also, no she has no relation to the Christabella in the equally bad Silent Hill movie so there, I just saved you more time avoiding bad Silent Hill content. Now if only there was a way to get rid of those Pachinko machines.
No I’m not trolling with this one, I have absolutely no idea how anyone can take these Cycloptic trash cans seriously. Now I have very little exposure to Dr Who and the Daleks in particular. What little I’ve seen is from Nash’s reviews of classic Dr Who which includes such highlights as Daleks in Manhattan, Evolution of the Daleks, Revelation of the Daleks and the two Dr Who movies where the Daleks are portrayed as basically weaponized bumper cars.
https://vimeo.com/radiodeadair
Anyone who’s seen these episodes or those reviews can see why I can’t take these dumb things seriously. Yes I'm aware that these are apparently supposed to be Nazi allegories but if I wanted that I’d stick to the real deal as Alucard rips them to shreds thank you very much. Oh and I can’t really take these things seriously when I see what they really look like out of the weaponized bumper cars either. I don’t get a feeling of dread and terror I get a feeling of relief that there aren’t any Japanese High school girls nearby as well as annoyance that I don’t have an open grill, olive oil and lemon wedges. To reiterate I’m not a Dr Who fan and I don’t have a vendetta against the show I’m just calling it as I see it. And all I see is the oddest serving of Fried Calamai I’ve ever seen.
Yeah yeah you all knew this was coming, like anyone who has a functioning brain cell I cannot take these glitter ghouls seriously. For the longest time Twilight has tainted the image of the Vampire from a blood sucking demon of the dark who turned his back on God and is cursed to stalk the night, feasting on the blood of innocents to survive to Sploosh material for a horny cougar. Yeah not exactly the best adaptation of the French classic Beauty and the Beast but hey if it makes money who cares? Though granted considering how convoluted the myth of the vampire is there’s plenty of depictions and routes for adaptation. Hell the only other thing in popular media that’s more disconnected from the source material are Ninjas.
But there has to be at least some standards. Not to mention these things were so influential they’ve tarnished the image of the vampire in popular culture. For those too young to remember Twilight was everywhere and of course everyone with merchandise, parodies and what have you. If you mentioned vampires you were automatically redirected to Twilight, all the classics, replaced with that tool from the fourth Harry Potter movie. Now werewolves didn’t get off so easily since they got dragged into this BS too but the vampires were the focus and thus got dragged through the mud the most.
Especially since the main focus was a boring plank of wood trying to save another plank of wood from getting killed every other second. Whether is was by her own doing, trying to boink a grown up Shark Boy or by being a manipulative psychopath he still wound up with one of the worst types of people you could hope to never come across. At the end of the day Twilight and its author was forgotten and for good reason. It’s a real shame that Toei did better with the concept of the Vampire in Kamen Rider Kiva (which I have no doubt was made that way to cash in on Twilight’s popularity like how they later copied Persona 5 with Lupinranger vs Patranger.) then Stephanie Mayer, just put a steak in this franchise, it’s done.
Now for a list of honorable mentions.
I was going to put them on for the their non threatening appearances, weak powers, not being as intimidating as the Mavericks from Mega Man X and Dr wily being him. But then Mega Man 11 happened and the double gear system made that crop of Robots completely change my opinion of them, especially if Mega Man games following 11 keep up the Double Gear gimmick and make them just as hard to beat.
Now King has made some great work as well as hilarious so that’s why I cut him some slack this time. But still there’s plenty I could have chosen. Let’s see we have Tim Curry as a shapeshifting killer clown who likes to troll people, Bill Skarsgård as another shapeshifting killer clown who likes to do crazy dances, killer chocolate rum balls with chainsaw teeth who eat every second of time, killer corn, the Green Goblin’s face on a sentient truck, a modern day flowers for Algernon patient becoming Skynet, rejects from Cats, and to top it all off, Shit weasels.
Now I never finished Kyuuranger thus why this villain faction didn’t make it on the list. But from what I can tell it was just a random mishmash of aliens lead by a dumbass immortal who got beaten by a group of dumbasses lead by the worst Red Ranger in Sentai to date.
He’s a giant pink man child who turns people into candy with it’s antenna thing that quite frankly should be censored. He did get more dangerous when he regressed back to Kid Buu but the big pink bubble gum Jinn is still around and you can tell that Toriyama wanted to end Dragonball Z with Cell because it really does show here. But now all that leaves us is my #1 pick.
Yes of all the monsters I’ve gone over are debatable and up to everyone’s own personal standards. What’s scary for some people might be silly for others that’s totally understandable. But for the life of me I cannot think of anyone who was truly scarred of any of the monsters created by M Night Shyamalan. From the dumbass Aliens from Signs, the killer tree farts from the Happening to the, whatever it was in Lady in the water, the dumbest depiction of the lord of lies in Devil to the monsters from After Earth who were killed by a guy named Cypher Raige. Whenever Shyamalan tries to go off the beaten path he just winds up going off the rails.
I’ll tell you how they’re just so dumb in their own unique ways going in the order I just listed. In Signs it turns out the aliens are weak to wood and water is like acid to them. So why in the name of Jesus Paint huffing Christ did they try to invade a planet that is mostly wood and water?! Also focusing on Mel Gibson and his farm instead of major government capitals? You know you’re dumb when the aliens from Mars attacks are doing more logical military moves then you.
On to the trees from the Happening, apparently they can somehow make people decide to kill themselves in over the top fashion because of, reasons that make Birdemic look like a nature documentary. I mean at least Bridemic give a cause for their stupidity, this is just because the plot said so! Also Devil taught us that if you drop a piece of toast and it lands Jellyside down, you’re under the light of the Morningstar, uh huh. The lore behind the whatever they are in Lady in the Water is so convoluted and ridiculous it only could have come from the mouth of sheer, unfiltered, Kishin grade madness. As for the monsters that can only hunt by a person’s fear in After Earth, they were killed by a guy named Cypher Raige, need I say more?!
I know that Shyamalan has been making a come back with the Visit, Split and the soon to be released Glass but we can never forget the many, many time we took a look at his body of work and just asked “what was this guy on?!” So that’s it for the top 10 monsters in in fiction that I can’t take seriously. Any thing I overlooked, got wrong or just didn’t get? Then leave a comment as we wait for next time where we cover my personal list of villains of the MCU to cap off the 10 year anniversary.
Special thanks to my Patreon backer Jesse for his support.
Kamen Rider is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Silent Hill is owned by Konami Computer Entertainment #FucKonami
Doctor Who is Owned by BBC, Sydney Newman, C.E. Webber and Donald Wilson.
Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer
Megaman is owned by Capcom.
Super Sentai is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Dragon Ball, Dragonball Z, Dragonball GT and Dragonball Super is owned by Funnimation, Toei animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama.
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| #3 The Daleks from Dr Who |
https://vimeo.com/radiodeadair
Anyone who’s seen these episodes or those reviews can see why I can’t take these dumb things seriously. Yes I'm aware that these are apparently supposed to be Nazi allegories but if I wanted that I’d stick to the real deal as Alucard rips them to shreds thank you very much. Oh and I can’t really take these things seriously when I see what they really look like out of the weaponized bumper cars either. I don’t get a feeling of dread and terror I get a feeling of relief that there aren’t any Japanese High school girls nearby as well as annoyance that I don’t have an open grill, olive oil and lemon wedges. To reiterate I’m not a Dr Who fan and I don’t have a vendetta against the show I’m just calling it as I see it. And all I see is the oddest serving of Fried Calamai I’ve ever seen.
 |
| #2 Sparkly Pricks (Vampires from Twilight) |
But there has to be at least some standards. Not to mention these things were so influential they’ve tarnished the image of the vampire in popular culture. For those too young to remember Twilight was everywhere and of course everyone with merchandise, parodies and what have you. If you mentioned vampires you were automatically redirected to Twilight, all the classics, replaced with that tool from the fourth Harry Potter movie. Now werewolves didn’t get off so easily since they got dragged into this BS too but the vampires were the focus and thus got dragged through the mud the most.
Especially since the main focus was a boring plank of wood trying to save another plank of wood from getting killed every other second. Whether is was by her own doing, trying to boink a grown up Shark Boy or by being a manipulative psychopath he still wound up with one of the worst types of people you could hope to never come across. At the end of the day Twilight and its author was forgotten and for good reason. It’s a real shame that Toei did better with the concept of the Vampire in Kamen Rider Kiva (which I have no doubt was made that way to cash in on Twilight’s popularity like how they later copied Persona 5 with Lupinranger vs Patranger.) then Stephanie Mayer, just put a steak in this franchise, it’s done.
Now for a list of honorable mentions.
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| The Robot Masters from Mega Man. |
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| Monsters from Stephen King |
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| Space Shogunate Jark Matter from Ucchu Sentai Kyuuranger |
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| Majin Buu from Dragonball |
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| #1 Any monster by M. Night Shyamalan |
I’ll tell you how they’re just so dumb in their own unique ways going in the order I just listed. In Signs it turns out the aliens are weak to wood and water is like acid to them. So why in the name of Jesus Paint huffing Christ did they try to invade a planet that is mostly wood and water?! Also focusing on Mel Gibson and his farm instead of major government capitals? You know you’re dumb when the aliens from Mars attacks are doing more logical military moves then you.
On to the trees from the Happening, apparently they can somehow make people decide to kill themselves in over the top fashion because of, reasons that make Birdemic look like a nature documentary. I mean at least Bridemic give a cause for their stupidity, this is just because the plot said so! Also Devil taught us that if you drop a piece of toast and it lands Jellyside down, you’re under the light of the Morningstar, uh huh. The lore behind the whatever they are in Lady in the Water is so convoluted and ridiculous it only could have come from the mouth of sheer, unfiltered, Kishin grade madness. As for the monsters that can only hunt by a person’s fear in After Earth, they were killed by a guy named Cypher Raige, need I say more?!
I know that Shyamalan has been making a come back with the Visit, Split and the soon to be released Glass but we can never forget the many, many time we took a look at his body of work and just asked “what was this guy on?!” So that’s it for the top 10 monsters in in fiction that I can’t take seriously. Any thing I overlooked, got wrong or just didn’t get? Then leave a comment as we wait for next time where we cover my personal list of villains of the MCU to cap off the 10 year anniversary.
Special thanks to my Patreon backer Jesse for his support.
Kamen Rider is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Silent Hill is owned by Konami Computer Entertainment #FucKonami
Doctor Who is Owned by BBC, Sydney Newman, C.E. Webber and Donald Wilson.
Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer
Megaman is owned by Capcom.
Super Sentai is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Dragon Ball, Dragonball Z, Dragonball GT and Dragonball Super is owned by Funnimation, Toei animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama.
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