Thursday, August 4, 2016

Tokusatsu Review: Kamen Rider Chaser: Part 1: HENSHIN INTO A GOD OF KIELBASA HOKE HOGAN!!!

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 In the grand money milking tradition of Toei whenever a character in their recent Kamen Rider series is popular they tend to get their own straight to DVD special, in this case the royalties go to Roidmude 000 aka Kamen Rider Chaser. Though to be fair this did seem to be a good idea since even through the first horrible 20 episodes of Drive Chase was the character that got the most focus, which was part of the problem, a villain was getting more focus and development then the main rider. But I went over my complaints with Drive's first 20 episodes already. But yeah the series did manage to turn itself around and it all started with the show finally wrapping up the stupid Chaser subplot, freeing him from the Roidmudes reprograming and becoming a proper Kamen Rider again, from Proto-Drive to Chaser. Now be forewarned Riku Sanjo has a tendency to write his Kamen Rider movies as fully cannon to the series so there will be spoilers so I suggest that you get fully caught up on Drive before reading this.

 So we open on Roidmude 000, being crucified.... what?

This is gonna be one of those movies isn't it? Hang on.

 First scene in the movie people; you can still turn back it's only gonna get crazier from here. Our opening scene continues with 000 being woken up by Krim who at this point recently transferred his consciousness to the Drive Driver. Um Krim quick question, why 000 crucified, why did he need to be crucified to reactivate? If it's just to look cool why not go for Frankenstein imagery or something just something that would make more sense? Moving on he reactivated 000 to use the Drvie Driver and hunt down the Maverick Roidmudes since he installed what he calls a "Perfect Justice" system into it as opposed to Banno who made the other 108 Roidmudes to be mass produced Satins.

 So he equips Krim, becomes Proto Drive and we see a montage of the events of the day of the Global Freeze with Proto Drive destroying Roidmudes left and right, but we of course see that while the bodies can be taken out with little problem the Viral Core, the true body of the Roidmudes can't be destroyed by Proto Drive. We get an additional scene of Roidmude 051 who was playing with money who Proto Drive takes out with literally One Punch.

What? NO NO NO NO!!!

 Oh god that's a horrible thought; if 000 copied the Ultimate Warrior instead of some random beat cop. Actually that would probably make Drive much more awesome, but alas such a reality must unfortunately be left in the hands of fan fic writers. But before Proto Drive can fully get juiced on Jet Jack and deliver a Gorilla Press drop on everyone of the Roidmudes he was captured by 001, Heart and Brain and was royally foked by the three reprograming him to becoming the Roidmude Grim Reaper, whose function was to destroy rogue Roidmudes so their cores can be rebooted, one of which was 051 who still had its money obsession. This all turned out to be a dream Chase was having or as he puts it his memory circuits were misfiring or something. Kiriko woke him to inform him that there's a new Roidmude attack.

 After our title card we cut to the Roidmude, which is 051 who even after being reset twice and copying a human still has his obsession with money.

And good lord look at this asshole!!! He looks like Moe Howard took fashion tips from Steve Urkle and acts like Larrity from Code Monkeys.
 He's about to kill a witness when Kamen Rider Chaser shows up to take him out yet again. Chaser tells the woman to run (which given 051 activated the Heaviness isn't going to be very far) as he engages his old foe, the two recognize each other and 051 results to dirty play as he fires at the fleeing woman, shooting her through her arm and leg. Chaser is good and pissed but a feather dart is lodged into 051's gun, jamming it and forcing him to retreat. The woman who threw the dart is quickly identified as a Roidmude who declares herself to be an ally to all lost Roidmude. She leaves leaving Chaser to tend to the injured woman, so he summons Mad Doctor to heal her and goes after the Roidmude, no no wait he doesn't he stupidly just takes her to a hospital instead, now I know that Mad Doctor can be used on civilians since it was used when 068 went nuts and his over heating caused people to have heatstrokes so what the hell? But there goes me and my logic again.

 What really happens is that Drive and Mach show up and Chaser tells them to go after 051 while he takes the woman to the hospital. We cut to the hospital where Chase is apologizing to the woman, Hinako Tayama for letting 051 get away with shooting her. She tells him not to worry since if he didn't show up when he did she'd most likely be killed. Hinako's brother Hiroshi shows up and the guy is a complete whinus who only talks to his sister and even then is a low hush whisper, and the guy is completely useless. But Hinako explains that he only opens up to her since she's his only family.

 Chase thinks on Kiriko and Go's relationship and offers to protect him until she recovers. But Hiroshi refuses since Chase scares him, yes he's afraid of the guy who saved his only family from a monster. Well since they're at a hospital maybe they can ask a surgeon if they have a spare set of balls to graft onto Hiroshi since he clearly hasn't had his drop yet; the milksop. Yeah from now on I'm calling him Milksop till further notice; Milksop says that Chase creeps him out because he looks too much like a doll. This causes Chase to blue screen for a bit as he flashes back to his photo shoot for his drivers license and the two receptionist girls telling him to try smiling a bit more since he's too serious and scary looking so he tries again here.

I'm starting to agree with Milksop here Chase, sorry buddy but I think Will Smith put it perfectly.

 From that bit of insanity to a new bit of insanity as we find Medic in a library looking up books to help her relationship with Heart and achieve her Super Evolution through love.
I can help you out with that Medic, I know what it's like to evolve for the one you love more then anything in the world. I can help you discover how powerful love really is.

 NOPE, NOPE, NOPE thanks but no thanks dark lord Homucifer she's crazy enough without your help. Yeah I'll get to her soon enough. Back to this we see Brain hiding in the kiddies corner spying on Medic cause he's gonna make sure that bitch doesn't go and take his man! Later that night Heart is confronting the female Roidmude from earlier and her coup to usurp him as the leader of the Roidmudes. She claims that Hearts' belief that all Roidmudes are capable of Super Evolving is a delusion and that if everyone goes with his ideas then the Roidmudes will go extinct. That's when the female Roidmude; 099 reveals that she's attained Super Evolution and already has several followers.

She then reveals her true form as the Angel Roidmude.
 She and her goons leave telling Heart to surrender leadership peacefully and that she'll be back. The next day Chase goes to Rinna and Krim and asks them about becoming more human. While the two think that Chase is still messed up from Roidmude 108's attack (showing that this does take place after Surprise Future) he's serious since he figures that without emotions he can't help those he cares for. Chase explains that while he did copy a human form he didn't copy his emotions. Krim tells him that he's already fine the way he is and that it could mess with his programing. Now I would be inclined to take his word that Chase doesn't need human emotions; but I won't since he's saying that human emotions are unnecessary when he and Rinna are in awe and excited from looking at a solar eclipse!!!! 

 After dealing with that load of hypocritical dicksauce Chase walks off when Angel shows up again with an offer he can't refuse. Then again she tossed one of her feathers which injected him with LSD or something so he's arguably more inclined to listen more then usual. Then again when you're tripping balls you'd be surprised at what you'd do. So be smart kids, don't do drugs, right Mario?

 Chase will have to learn that the hard way as Angel says that she can help him become human as she leads him to her office. She tells Chase that she copied a Psychiatrist that was dying to gain her human form. She claims the Psychiatrist wanted more than anything to heal the human heart. Thus she wants to do the same for the Roidmudes, thus her Golden Feathers or the "Feather Circuit" as she calls it which will install true emotions into the Roidmudes. Now there is just sooooo much that I can't show so you might want to see this for yourself but all I'll say is this. Chase may want to be a real boy but Angel does one better and helps him to become a real man!!! Now the next bits I can show you. Later we see Moe Urkel going crazy wanting to Super Evolve so he can kill Chase, Heart failing to keep him under control and the little twerp flying off to go on an Archer style rampage.

  But now for the really fun part as this is the scene that shows what Chase is like after Angel grafts the Feather Circuit into his body.

 Ladies and Gentlemen, one of my favorite scenes in this movie. With that I think that's where we'll part for today, now that Chase is a real man let's see how his day with Milksop goes next time. Now if you'll excuse me I need a towel.

Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 is owned by EA (Electronic Arts)
Man of Steel is owned by DC Comics, Legendary Pictures, Syncopy and Warner Bros Pictures.
Kamen Rider is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Puella Magi Madoka Magica Rebellion is owned by Gen Urobutchi, Akiyuki Shinbo Studio Shaft, and Aniplex.
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The Ultimate Warrior is owned by WWE.
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