Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Movie Review: Back To the Future 2: Multiverse theory is bullshit.

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 IT WORKS! I managed to send this review one week back to the past just in time! I figured that everyone would be annoyed waiting for part two of the Back to the Future reviews so I figured that I'd send it back a week to the day Marty, Doc and Jen arrived at the end of the first movie. October 21st 2015. Now I get to make fun of how much they got wrong and marvel at how much they got right.

 As I said at the end of part one we see the three pile into the Delorean. However we get an extra scene of Biff stumbling on to their take off. After the credits we do indeed confirm that they have arrived in Hill Valley California October 21st 2015. First sign is that we can confirm that Second impact hasn't happened and we thankfully don't have to rely on those three screwed up nut job mech pilots.
Especially #2 there, she looks insufferable.

 However Jen starts asking questions that she really shouldn't know so Doc uses a neuralyzer to knock her out. As the Delorean lands Doc said that he went to a rejuvenation clinic and had at least 20-30 years added to his life and hands Marty some future clothes, including power lacing shoes, size adjusting jackets and jeans which apparently all the kids wear inside out.
Well we have people who wear them halfway up their ass so close enough, still stupid just for different reasons.
 Doc explains the situation to Marty, that his son Marty Jr gets arrested that night joining Biff's grandson Griff on a heist and gets put away for fifteen years, the next day Marty's daughter tries to break him out and she'll get put away for twenty years. This will start a chain reaction which will destroy Marty's family. So why doesn't Doc just handle this himself instead of showing Marty the future and potentially screwing up the space time continuum? Is it because he's supposed to be dead in 2015? Well i guess since he had no other confidants then Marty I guess he had no choice.

 Doc tells Marty that to fix this he'll knock out the real Marty Jr while Marty Sr will go into the cafe 80's disguised as him order a Pepsi and when Griff shows up to ask if he's in or out to tell him he's out, no whatever happens and come back to the ally they landed in and wait for him. With his instructions Marty does his standard bewildered look of the new Hill Valley town square and sees how much is different. While there he sees a trailer for the newly released Jaws movie.

Though having seen said trailer I must call fowl since that's not the Jaws five that we got, nor did ours take place near fire island.

As long as Marty an Doc don't encounter a photo studio, a dude with horrible hair and a stupid pink camera or a guy in a raincoat telling them that said guy is a demon I think the multiverse should be fine.

 Anyway Marty heads inside and after arguing with Max headroom versions of Regan and Ayatollah Khomeini he gets his Pepsi when a certain Butthead calls him out. Yep old Man Tannen points out Marty and remarks how much it sucks that he shares the same name of a complete loser. Apparently Marty is going to flush his life completely down the crapper, but before Biff can elaborate his dear grandson Griff storms in and drags Biff out to give another coat of wax on his hovercar. While that's going on two kids are trying to get a Wild Gunman machine working. Marty shows the two how it's done and wins the round in only three shots. 

 Oh go back to the shire you little halfling bastard! Once they head back to papa Bilbo's the real Marty Jr shows up forcing Marty Sr to hide behind the counter while Jr deals with Griff and his three rejects from Southern Cross. But Jr sure ain't no Kenshiro and folds like a cheap suit. Apparently the wheinus genes skips a generation in the Mcfly bloodline and dear Jr inherited his grandfather's milk toast nature.

 Thankfully Jr gets tossed over the counter and Sr swaps in and tells Griff to piss off. Speaking of pissed if however Griff calls Marty a chicken which is his berserk button and Cyber Ansem making chicken noises with his Darth Vader chest plate thing doesn't help either.
 Griff is about to smack Marty like a drum when he tries the old "what the hell is that!?" trick.
Oh shit this one's smart enough to figure it out! Now for his next impression, Jesse Owens!
 Now we get a repeat of the first movie while Marty gets used to his new hover board. He manages to lose the three in the town pond but Griff pulls out the big guns, his Pitbull! The three hook on, Griff pulls out his whooping stick and flies after Marty. But before his head can get smashed in lake a Piñata he jumps into the water causing the four to go flying through the stain glass entrance of the courthouse. Marty manages to make it back to shore where and old man asks for a $100 donation to preserve the clock tower. $100 at least the economy hasn't gone that far down the crapper. They then see that the cubs beat Miami in the World Series. And that's when Marty get's an idea, an awful, wonderful, horrible idea. He heads to an antique shop and picks up a sports almanac that has sports info ranging from 1950 to 2000.

 Doc then shows up to see the chaos that's unfolded while Biff comments that he hasn't seen a flying Delorean in 30 years, this along with seeing Jr walking out of the cafe 80's gets the hamster wheel in his head spinning. Doc says that since he used the sleep inducer on Jen there wasn't enough power to knock out Jr for an hour. But it turned out better since due to the hover board incident Griff and his gang will go to jail and the robbery will never take place. Thus history has been changed and the two can go back. However Doc then notices the sports almanac and acts like a bit of a hypocrite by saying that he didn't invent the time machine for gambling when he said right in the first movie that he was probably going to do the same thing Marty's planning on doing, maybe all this recent BS shifted Doc's priorities a bit.

 As he prepares to throw the book out two cops find Jen in the ally and using her thumbprint think she's the present Jen and take her to her home where she's married to Marty. Doc says that they have to get her back before she learns too much or runs into her future self otherwise it could cause a paradox which could either cause the destruction of the entire universe or cause Roidmude 108 to gain its advanced state.
Either way shit's gonna get fucked up unless they do something!
 Doc leaves the almanac in a trash can and as he and Marty leave Biff picks it up and decides to follow the two having overheard their entire exchange. Jen gets brought back to her home in hill dale which is not only a run down neighborhood but her life is a complete wreck, she married Marty out of pity and Marty himself is a washed out schlub who apparently got into a car accident with a man who owned a roles Royce who sued Marty for the damages as well as broke his hand in the accident which caused him to give up on his music and since Jennifer was too old to make a contract with Kyubey to fix Marty's hand he instead spent several years wallowing in self pity until he became the broken excuse of a man he is now. And all because somebody called him chicken.
So yeah Sayaka, look it it this way; instead of turning into a badass monster you could have ended up with someone resembling Prince Charming over here, dodged a bullet if you ask me.
 Meanwhile Marty and Doc finally catch up to Jen and Doc instructs Marty to stay with the time machine, of course foreshadowing Marty's bad decision making he decides to follow leaving the time machine to be stolen by Biff who somehow manages to get it working an takes him back in time. Meanwhile future Marty gets called chicken by a coworker named Needles and goes along with an illegal transaction over Skype. (Another thing this movie managed to predict as far as I know) which gets him fired over several faxes in a matter that couldn't be less subtle if Rip Taylor and Alan Moore appeared from the screen, kicked him in the nuts, handed him a pink slip out of an Uncle Sam hat and then flew out the window while the Superman theme played from their asses as they flew off. Though I'm pretty sure Alan Moore does that on Wednesdays anyway.

 Jen grabs a copy of the fax from the closet she was hiding in and makes for the door. Unfortunately she does run into her future-self but thankfully instead of the universe ending or the Paradox Roidmude showing up they both just faint. However old Biff returns with the time machine, stumbles out and manages to hide while most likely having a shock induced heart attack from all the crap he pulled. Marty an Doc manage to get back to 1985 and set Jen on her porch swing before dumping Marty back home. After some shenanigans Marty slowly starts to realize that they may be in Hill Valley but they sure aren't in Kansas anymore. He finds a newspaper and sure enough the date reads October 26th 1985. After learning that Mr Strickland's has learned the mantra of Zardoz,

he runs to the center of town where he finds that Fist of the north mad max judge dread happened. The place is over run by bikers, the sky is darkened and the court house has been turned into Biff's casino hotel. Marty wanders over to the adjacent museum and learns that Biff has accumulated his own financial empire by having an amazing winning streak winning at sports gambling and that he married Loraine.

 Marty then gets knocked out by Biff's three goons and wakes up with his mother on the 27th floor. Biff then shows up furious that Marty should be in boarding school in Switzerland and that he got kicked out again. Loraine threatens to leave when he slugs Marty in the gut, but Biff demonstrates how much power he has over her by threatening to not only cut her off financially but also her three kids, and is content to have all three behind bars like Joey, one big happy jailbird family. After Biff and the three leave Marty asks how in the name of all that's sacred she could leave George for Biff. He asks where he is and she says that he's where he was for the last 42 years, oak park cemetery.

 Marty goes and sure enough he finds his father's grave, he died March 15th 1973. That's when Doc finds him and brings him back to the lab (or at least what's left of it) and they theorize what happened. Somewhere in the past events have been changed leading to an alternate reality. Doc found some pretty damn big clues, the bag, the receipt the almanac came in, an the top of Biff's broken cane that he left behind when he got out of the time machine. That's when Marty puts the pieces together, Biff got the book, stole the time machine, went back an gave it to his past self creating this new timeline.

Now the only way to fix this world is to find out where and when Biff got the book from his future counterpart, so Marty decides to ask him. Marty finds Biff watching the shootout scene from "a fistful of dollars" and mentions something they need to discus, Biff at first thinks it's about money an tells him to piss off, but when Marty mentions the almanac it more then catches his attention. In his office Biff tells him that he got it on of course November 12 1955. He says that a crazy old codger with a cane appeared and gave it to him that so long as he bets on the winner he'll never lose.
 He just vanished after that. Marty grabs a matchbook from Biff's ash tray as Biff does mention one thing, that if an old man who claims to be a scientist or a kid comes asking about that book, to put a bullet between their eyes. Marty manages to get away and on to the roof where Biff corners him with his pistol. Marty says that the cops are going to match up the bullets in the gun, but Biff points out that not only does he own the police but they also couldn't match up the bullets that killed George. Marty then jumps only to land on the Delorean which knocks out Biff with the door and climbs inside and tells Doc the details. As they prepare to make the jump Doc notes that the time circuits are futzing up sometimes setting the destination time to January 1st 1885.

 The two then jump back to 1955 and get a plan together. While Doc guards the time machine Marty will go into town, find present Biff and tail him until future Biff shows up and gives his younger self the almanac. Once old Biff leaves Marty will knock out present Biff, take the almanac back to Doc torch the thing and this save the future. However Marty has to be careful not to run into either his past self or present Doc. Shouldn't be too hard right? Marty gets some new clothes and starts tailing Biff. He finds him picking up his car after whole fiasco with the manure truck where he says that nobody can start his car but after his mechanic thinks there's a problem with the clutch.

 After he shows his lack of social graces with Loraine old Biff shows up and offers to make him rich. Present Biff couldn't give too craps until Old Biff starts the car which gets his attention. After demonstrating that his book is the real deal Biff holds on to it unknowingly locking up Marty who stowed away in the back of his car. Marty calls Doc and tells him what happened. He'll make his way over to Biff's place while Marty tries to get out. Later that night Biff heads off to the enchantment under the sea dance with Marty still hiding in the back with the almanac on his dashboard.

Doc just barely misses them but manages to see his past self preparing for the experiment that would send past Marty back to 1985. Hang on I just thought of something; if future Biff changed the future by giving young Biff the book shouldn't this Marty be from the future of that reality? And if so where did the time machine come from if in the alternate timeline Doc was commuted to the nut house? Were did it come from or does this operate on multiverse theory where it isn't time travel but going between alternate realities created by differing timelines? And if that's true then why isn't reality tearing itself apart due to all of these overlapping timelines? Is Elizabeth fixing this or do Marty and Doc find that the hill valley lightning storm is actually Walpurgisnacht? HOW ARE THEY GONNA SAVE HILL VALLEY THEN?! DEN-O? TIME FORCE? THE DOCTOR?! TRUNKS?! ANYONE?! AAAAAAAAH!!!!!
 Okay, after my little freakout Biff makes it to the dance an brings the almanac with him. Marty tells Doc over their walkie talkies where he is and continues to follow Biff outside where he sees Strickland take the almanac from Biff. He follows Strickland to his office where after some shenanigans and hypocrisy, Marty gets the almanac! But Biff is smarter then he looks and swapped the dust jacket of the almanac with a pin up book! Marty starts to panic over where Biff could be but sees out the window that his dad is about to pinch Biff out and rushes out. After seeing his old man knock Biff's lights out and seeing his past self walk back inside to set his story straight Marty walks through the crowd and after punching out Biff again steals the almanac.

 After radioing in his success to Doc he gets chased into the gym by Biff's friends. They then see past Marty on stage and think that he's the one they just missed. Past Marty starts playing "Johnny be good" and the three are planing on jumping him which would cause past Marty to miss the lightning strike, never get back to 1985 an cause a paradox so Doc tells Marty that he has to stop those three at any cost without being seen by his past self or his parents. After some tense moments he manages to knock the three out and is on his way back but runs into Biff again. Marty's about to leave when Biff pressed the chicken button.

 Marty then gets knocked out by his past self knocking him in the head with the door; Biff notices Marty has the almanac and takes it back so Marty and Doc have no choice but to follow him in the Delorean. After further cementing Biff's hatred of manure the two make it back to the Lyons estates development site and as the lightning storm starts Marty burns the book. He checks the matchbook he got from Biff's casino and sees it change back to the matchbook for his auto shop, meaning the timeline had been restored. However the Delorean gets struck by lightning and it disappears with Doc leaving Marty stranded, however a man shows up asking for a Mr Marty Mcfly. The man is from Western union and his branch was given a letter 70 years ago and explicit instructions to arrive at this exact location and deliver it to a young man matching Marty's description at this exact minute November 12th 1955.

 Marty opens the letter and reads as follows, "Dear Marty, if my calculations are correct you should receive this letter the exact moment after you've seen the Delorean struck by lightning. First let me assure you that I am alive and well and have been living happily these last few months in the year 1885." Marty instantly knows it's from the Doc and rushes over to where present Doc is finishing sending past Marty back to 1985. Marty then tells Doc that he's back from the future and Doc then passes out as we close out part 2 with a look at the conclusion of this trilogy. Which we will cover next time, on time November 12th 2015, Let's go!

Back to the Future is owned by Robbert Zemeckis, Bob Gale, Stephen Speilberg, Amblin Entertainment  and Universal Studios.
Drawn Together is owned by Comedy Central, Dave Jeser, Matt Silverstein, Double Hemn, and Rough Draft Studios.
Family Guy is owned by Seth Mcfarline, 20th century fox television, Fuzzy door Productions and Fox Television animation.
Kamen Rider is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is owned by Saban Entertainment, Haim Saban, Renaissance Atlantic Entertainment, Toei Company, Ltd. and MMPR Productions, Inc.
Zoolander is owned by Village Roadshow Pictures, VH1 Films and Paramount Pictures.
Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Studio Gainax, Hedeaki Anno, Tatsunoko Productions, and AEsir Holdings.
Zardoz is owned by John Boorman, and John Boorman productions (20th Century Fox).