Monday, April 3, 2017

Tokusatsu Review: Kamen Rider Ex-Aid Uuchu Sentai Kyuuranger Spring Break Special Part 1: Game over Dumbluck.

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 Yep boys, girls and everyone in between it's time for the spring break crossover special between the currently running Kamen Rider and Super Sentai series. Just like last year however this isn't really a crossover so much as a short fight scene cameo, also just like last year one of these series is slowly but surly getting better and is actually good while the other is worse then somebody stealing your wallet after telling you that someone close to you was eaten by an alligator. I'm just going to cut the pretense here and say that Ex-aid is the good series and Kyuuranger is absolutely horrible. I might as well get the anger out right now and talk about Kyuuranger first.

 The series takes place in the future in space where an intergalactic empire called Jark Mader (get it it sounds like Dark Matter, all consuming indiscriminate darkness? Well, I get it and appreciate it for what it is,) has already conquered the star systems which make up 77 of the 88 constellations and they only have a few more left to go before they completely conquer the Galaxy. The only force standing in Jark Mader's way is the Uuchu Sentai Kyuuranger who harness the power of their native constellations using devices called Kyuu Tama to fight and liberate planets under the dominion of Jark Mader.

 While that all sounds good on paper this premise does have one teeny tiny little problem. THE RED RANGER IS A FUCKING MORON!!!! Hey do any of you remember last year when I said that Toei finally listened to their fans and we were apparently done with idiot Red Rangers? Oh we are staggeringly naive fools, how little we were prepared for this fresh slice of hell which no doubt brings us one step closer to the world of "ow my balls". No seriously folks if you thought Right from Toqger or Leftovers from Ninninger were bad allow me to introduce you to the latest moron to come off of Toei's idiot Red Ranger production line, Lucky. 
Better get used to that folks cause guess what he says every, single, fucking episode? GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
  From the very first time you see this guy you will despise his rotten guts and those who put up with him, as his name implies his main schtick is that he has super Luck powers, meaning that he always wins his fights without any effort, bulldozes his way to victory and of course he always screams out something with the word Lucky in it almost every single time he opens his goddamn face hole. He's an insensitive, idiotic, pigheaded, misguided piece of shit who only manages to survive due to his stupid, stupid luck to the point where I have given him the nickname of "DumbLuck" which worked so well that pretty much everyone in my click of Toku viewers have basically adopted that as Lucky's official nickname just like Leftovers became the nickname for Takaharu.

 The biggest problem with Dumbluck is that since Toei's of course going to over glorify his presence the rest of the cast is going to suffer in terms of their development since because Dumbluck exists any episode focused on their development will be superseded by him. Hell at this point I barely know anything about the rest of the main cast aside from their name and gimmick. Spada's gimmick is that he's a chef and randomly speaks one Italian word every so often in his sentences (even though they're all from space so they shouldn't even know what Italian is much less know how to speak it!) Next is Hammy the first official female Green Ranger, her schtick is that she's condescending to Dumbluck but since its though laughing at his stupidity it's actually encouraging it since he's too stupid to pick up on her ridiculing. The Black Ranger is a Bull Robot named Champ who likes to work out even though again he's a robot and thus has no muscles to develop with the exercise.

 Next is Garu, he's a wolfman who had his entire race slaughtered in battle by Jark Mader and thus had his spirit broken. That is until Dumbluck told him that he's stupid for giving up so easily! Hey asshole he just told you that his entire race was exterminated right in front of him and you basically tell him "oh get over it you big baby and fight back?!" Go jump in a hole full of poison tipped bamboo spikes you insensitive cumchugger! That was honestly even worse then what Wakka said after Home was destroyed in FF X.


 Next is the thieving pair of Naga and Balance. Naga's a Vulcan knock off and Balance is an asshole robot voiced by Josuke. Then there's Stinger and he's a live action Sasuke Uchiha who is a spy for the Rebellion but has killed lots of people to maintain his cover, including Champ's creator. But Dumbluck still wants him on the team just because he's a Kyuuranger. Even after Champ told you he killed his Creator/father and lethally poisoned the rest of your team all in the same episode! 

 Do you all see why I hate this guy?! If not then here's my last piece of evidence with our last Kyuuranger, the gynoid Raptor. She's always wanted to be a hero, but it's revealed that if she is damaged, because her parts are so rare nobody can repair her and thus any damage she takes will be permanent and if she takes enough she'll die. So what does Dumbluck do? Tell her to ignore her safety and fight anyway despite the fact that she'll eventually die if she becomes a full Kyuuranger! So to sum up my feelings for Dumbluck I think that Joe Pesci said it better then anyone else.


 All this is made worse due to the fact that the designs for the suits, mechs and weapons are all really good. 
They were designed by Bandai of America and they did a really good job of making this Sentai team stand out from their contemporaries. They each still have a uniformed style but diverge in just the right ways. From Balance and Champ being the robots having more armoring on their suits to Garu's suit actually having fur in the colored segments and claws on the boots, Stinger's having; well a stinger to Raptor's suit having actual wings. 
The mechs themselves are also cool, with the Lion being the center while the others are interchangeable by the four ball joints which by my calculations means it could have up to 32 possible combinations, at least so far.
 But again if the main character makes me want to vomit in absolute disgust every time he does something stupid then I refuse to take part in this madness. As I said before aside from riffing on this every Sunday I will not be watching this in my free time. But I may finally start to make V-logs on this show since I will undoubtedly bring in the views since everybody loves to see someone else suffer. I mean you literally can't spell slaughter without laughter so yes you all will soon be getting your pounds of flesh. But I need to take a break from Dumbluck so I'll see you all next time as we talk about Ex-aid.

Super Sentai is owned by Ishinomori Productions, Toei Productions, and Bandai.
Final Fantasy X is owned by Square-Enix and Yoshinori Kitase.
My Cousin Vinny is owned by Johnathan Lynn and 20th Century Fox.